Stories of “free-range” parenting have sparked intense debates over the
past decade, but the concept is nothing new. Back in 1946, the influential
American pediatrician Dr. Benjamin Spock promoted tenets similar to those
of the free-range parenting movement in his “Common Sense Book of Baby and
Child,” one of the best-selling books of the twentieth century. Spock urged
parents to do the following:
- Trust their instincts
- Let kids be kids
- Be flexible
- Allow kids to fail, brush themselves off and try again
These are the same ideas that free-range parenting advocates hold in high
regard when it comes to raising children from the age of three through the
teen years.
Free-range parenting vs. fearful parenting
According to advocates of the free-range approach, parents need to “chill
out” and refrain from micromanaging their children’s behavior and
activities. In her bestselling book “Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe,
Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry),” American
journalist Lenore Skenazy discusses the damaging effect of mainstream
parenting, schooling and organized activities on youth today. Children are
ill-served by the pervasive fear that danger lurks around every corner and
that future success depends on kids being constantly involved in structured
activities from a young age. Such parental fears promote excessive and
unnecessary protection from risk, and they limit the ability of children to
mature properly.
Training kids for independence
The free-range philosophy is often confused with permissive parenting –
allowing children to do whatever they want without supervision. That is not
the case. Responsible parents who adopt the free-range approach are careful
to ensure that their children are well-prepared to handle the situations
life throws at them. The first step is training, with close parental
supervision gradually diminishing to allow for greater independence. For
example, a parent who allows a tween to take public transportation to visit
her grandmother will first help the child learn to wait safely at the bus
terminal, how to pay for transit service, how to read the transportation
map and what to do in the case of emergency. Only after practice has
developed her competence will the child be encouraged to try it on her own.
When she returns home, she feels confident and capable. She handled the
situation by herself … and she got to spend quality one-on-one time
with Nana!
Give kids permission to fail
In contrast to “helicopter parents,” who overprotect and shield their
children from life’s disappointments, Skenazy encourages failure.
On her website she writes, “If children don’t fail, they can’t learn that
they can get back up, dust themselves off and go on with their lives.” She
illustrates the point with a bike-riding analogy. No one wants their child
to fall off his or her bike, especially at the risk of a serious injury.
But if we want our children to learn how to ride a bike, we can’t hold onto
the back of the bike forever. When kids fall off (and they will!), they
learn two important lessons: 1) failure isn’t permanent, and 2) there is
joy in learning new things.
Giving children the freedom to fail instills in them the courage to try –
and it is only by trying that they will gain the basic skills needed to
thrive in the adult world. Based on numerous surveys, American kids are
falling behind in this respect. Nearly one out of every four freshmen
arriving on U.S. college campuses today cannot boil an egg. Until a child
boils an egg and sees the yolk turn green from overcooking, he’ll never
know how to cook an egg properly!
Consider these similar statistics:
- 35 percent of millennials don’t know how to make their bed
- 23 percent of millennials don’t know how to use a
washing machine
- 35 percent of millennials don’t feel competent folding laundry
- 77 percent of millennials don’t know how to fix a punctured bicycle
tire
We do our children a disservice by sending them into the world so
inadequately prepared.
Strike a balance
With so many different parenting theories available by simply Googling the
word, “parent,” which one should you follow? As Dr. Spock said, “Trust your
instincts.” Keep your child’s strengths and challenges in mind when
considering what to allow him to do without supervision. While one
10-year-old might be prepared, willing and able to stay home alone in the
house while you run errands in the afternoon, another child might find that
experience overwhelming. Allow children to stretch their comfort level over
time by leaving them for short periods while you are nearby and then
gradually extending the periods of time and going farther away.
When the situation seems too dangerous or risky, step in and provide a
higher level of supervision. But if your child is well prepared for the
challenge, go ahead and step back. The best way to learn is by making a
mistake and trying again. And – for parents as well as kids – the best way
to build confidence and competence is by taking on a new and challenging
task, finding the courage to overcome doubts and practicing the skills
needed to complete the task successfully.
Is free-range parenting for you?
- Are you ready to put your worry aside and allow some risk?
- Can you give up control and allow your children to make his or her
own decisions? - Can you watch your child fail miserably or struggle with a task you
could make easier? - Do you want your child to be autonomous and self-sufficient?
- Do you want your child to be resilient and take responsibility for
his or her own choices? - Does your child want to do more adventurous things than you
currently allow? - Do you have the time to teach your child basic life skills that
will prepare her for independence?
The more questions you answered with a “yes,” the more willing and able you
will be to try out various degrees of free-range parenting.
Originally published: 03-01-18
Updated: 11-24-2022
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